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Dear Doctors,

I am desperately trying to save my marriage but i don't know what to do. My husband and I feel very differently about his relatives. His family members have done some very hurtful things to me and he always sticks up for them against me, making me uncomfortable to go over to their house. He even makes terrible remarks about me and makes fun of me in front of his family, especially with his brother. I love him very much, but this is causing us to argue constantly and get into all out warfare before going to their house. Is this normal?

Desparately seeking help.

Dear Desparate,

The answer to your question is that the behavior you described  is not normal behavior for a husband.  We have studied thousands of successful marriages on six continents of the world and can say without reservation that successfully married couples rarely ever make fun or criticize each other in public. They spend their time highlighting the positive and bragging about each other.  So your husband's behavior is not al all similiar to what happily married couple do in their relationships.

The signs are not good for long term success unless there is a foundation of respect and trust.  What you have described in your husband's behaviors are not signs of respect and trust.  That is a fundamental problem for the two of you that must be resolved if there is any chance for a substantive relationship. 

While he has known his family longer than you, the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else.  We would hope that you and your husband can get assistance from a marriage counselor, person you both trust at your place of worship, or a trusted friend that can help you both work to improve the respect and relationship.  We wish you the very best in either making this relationship work or moving on with your life in a different direction.

America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts


Dear Doctors,

I have just met my boyfreind and we love each other. I love him and he loves me. But he is over weight and he feels insecure. I just want to make him feel special and secure because I love him so much, but I don't know how. We have not yet made love because he is working from far and he will be coming soon to visit me.


Dear Debby,

First, while you need to help him feel more secure, the only way he will do that if he is concerned about his weight is to move toward slow and steady weight loss. You can help him the most by exercising with him, eating a good low fat diet with him and just plain encouraging him to lose the weight so he feels more secure about himself. Making him just feel good for the moment is not a long term solution to his self-concept issues. If they really stem solely from his weight, losing the weight will do marvelous things for his positive attitudes and how he feels about himself. To have a sustained and rock solid relationship, both individuals need to feel good about themselves. Keep loving him, but help him love himself.

Best wishes for a successful relationship with you loved one.
Love well!
by America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts

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